Been chasing squirrels

In the trenches

2011-05-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern,

Send reinforcements. We've dug in here but the natives are relentless. May be forced to retreat.

Yours truly,

RTC.

Between jobs

2011-04-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

So one of the housemates, the one with the longer legs, has been staying home a lot lately. Something about being between jobs. He has a lot of time on his paws. We walk longer in the morning. I like that. Then he added a second even longer walk in the late afternoon. I liked it a lot. At first. Then they got longer. And they come rain or shine. And it's all business. I can hardly get a sniff in edgewise.

Meanwhile, The natives are staking out their territory. Mine is unguarded during peak territory grabbing hours. I can't really tell him that I have work to do. Sort of sounds a little insensitive. So we walk. And walk. Did I mention I'm nine years old? Not a pup. I was feeling it in my hips.

Today, good news. Long legs won't be between jobs much longer. Come May 10, I'm back full time on yard patrol. May 10. That's a long way away. My hips can tell you that...

Mission Accomplished

2011-04-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

Saw native. Pursued. Leaped. Cleared. Even easier than I thought. House mates not happy. Native eluded me, but knows not to wave his tail and give me the raspberries again.

Spring fever

2011-04-03T12:59:00.001-07:00

Really, now. How is a guy supposed to get any work done around here? It's finally spring and I've finally got some footing to chase down the natives and the house mates put this fence up. Something about protecting what's left of the grass. I have news for the house mates: winter pretty much put a nail in the lawn's coffin. I've been able to clear the fence in the past, but this year one of the house mates stacked one fence on top of the other. So here I sit, listening to the native squirrels taunt me...

..oh well, from the looks of the construction job I think I only have to wait until the first good storm comes along. Then, it's roasted squirrel legs all around....

Life in the trenches

2011-02-05T08:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. Last time I checked in it was 85 degrees in October. Two months later it's snow that's shoulder high on a Great Dane. Stayed that way ever since. So I've been spending all my time running the trenches. Round and round, up and down. The natives think I'm just playing games. I'm not. As soon as they come down here, they'll find that out. Here's what I've been up to. Over and over. Round and round. Up and down.....

Squirrel math

2010-09-29T04:48:00.001-07:00

+

=

Someday....

2010-09-27T04:56:00.000-07:00

...that low-down squirrel who clipped my nose with a hedge trimmer has to come back down out of that tree. And I'll be waiting for him. Or, ahem, her...

...Bell Tolls, II

2010-09-16T05:04:00.000-07:00

Like I said, I have an explanation. The summer was hot. Other varmints popped up. A chipmunk turned the front garden into his own 18 hole golf course. (Not my fault! I'm barred from going in the garden. How can I defend territory I can't patrol??!??!)
One day, though, the border collie toddles over and says, "You notice anything strange about the ash tree in the backyard?"

Well, I headed back there are circled the tree a couple of times. I gave it a power sniff up and down the fat stem. Nothing. The border collie, I was beginning to realize, was just having one of his crazy old dog episodes. Clean as a whistle, I snorted when I got back in the house. The border collie looked up from his Real Simple magazine, pushed his reader glasses up his nose, and said, "Just stand back there and listen, MacGyver."

I sighed, trudged back out to the yard and cocked an ear. I heard scurrying. More than usual. Muffled conversation. A radio playing Top 40 music very very softly. It was all coming from overhead. What the???!??! I panned my gaze up the fat stem, real slow, like Peckenpaugh. And. There. It. Was.

A nest.

Filled with squirrels.

On my turf.

Which has something to do with how I got this. Which is a story for next time.

For Whom the Bell Tolls...

2010-09-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

OK, I was distracted for much of the summer by those rabbits.
Then there was the occasional cat. Chipmunks started scurrying about.
That explains why I missed it. That explains how it suddenly appeared, right here, on my turf.
A massive, crowded, bustling.....
(To be continued...)

2010-07-27T04:49:00.000-07:00

Something, or someone, is digging up the front garden. I'm getting heat for it. So serious is this situation that I've had to do the unthinkable...

...I've hired a local expert who thinks he has a pretty good idea who the culprit is. The border collie can't stop laughing.

A whole new distraction

2010-07-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last post. Too much going on. A mad boxer to the north and yet another new nemesis: rabbits and chipmunks. But that's nothing. These days, there's competition on the yard security front. A very arrogant competitor and an arch enemy. I spend a lot of time keep this nemesis under surveillence...

...and, I'm annoyed to report, vice versa....

Rough start

2009-11-29T06:10:00.001-08:00

It's not going well with the new neighbor. She jumped us. Yes, she. And, yes, she jumped us on Day One.
Oh, there was a fence in the way, but she made her intentions very clear. We were returning from surveillance in the park when this flash of brown fur and white teeth headed our direction. "Whoa!" yelled Boscoe, "It's Cujo in a dress!"
She's a tall drink of water, that's for sure. She probably should be wearing a saddle.
We responded with our best mad dog imitations, barking and snarling and bouncing around like a hyena on Red Bull. We may not have been as impressive as I'd hoped: I heard the natives snickering from their nests.

Anyway, no welcome wagon for this new neighbor. Instead, we've ordered a few things from the Sears catalogue: an electric fence, with the optional Christmas lights; and a speed bag. I admit I'm a little out of shape. Tomorrow, a glass of raw eggs and some road work...

New neighbor coming

2009-11-21T05:58:00.001-08:00

Not that anybody would tell me directly -- I'm just supposed to stumble across this one day, I guess -- but we have new neighbors coming next week. The house next door has been empty for a while. The backyard has become popular with the natives and their various floppy eared guests.
All that ends next week. The border collie sneaked a peak at the housemate email and learned that the new inhabitants will include a boxer.
No, not that kind of boxer.

This kind of boxer. Well, needless to say this doesn't make me very happy. I've heard all about how pushy those self-important boxers can be. Swaggering around like they own the place... My fur is up... Bring it!

Tough one

2009-11-15T06:02:00.001-08:00

So, one of the housemates spends a surprising amount of time following a football team that doesn't win many games. We just sort of keep our distance. He posts a flag in the back 40 every Saturday and glumly retrieves it the next day, mumbling something about how he needs a better hobby.

The South Dakota State Jackrabbit

Saturday, the game was more distracting for me than usual. I couldn't get the mascots out of my mind.... I'm not sure why....

The Minnesota Gopher

...the whole thing made me very hungry....

Aftermath

2009-11-03T05:11:00.001-08:00

After a rowdy Sunday, it was very quiet around here Monday. Too quiet. The border collie suggested the natives were exhausted from their winter prep. I wasn't convinced. I took a stroll around the front 40 and found this guy, clueless to the world, mumbling something about somebody named Favre. Turns out the natives are rabid Packer fans. That shouldn't come as much of a surprise. The border collie and me, we're neutral. Been that way since that trip to the vet when we were puppies...

8

2009-10-15T06:27:00.001-07:00

Wow. I feel this one. I'm 8 this week. We don't know actually what day. All I remember is a pair of speckled legs. Didn't get a lot of time with my momma dog or my brothers and sisters. I had a tough start. It's better now, but I still get blue now and then. On top of that, it's gray and rainy. The border collie pretended not to know what was up, but he's been busy...

...this morning I found this cake under the kitchen table. We're keeping it quiet until the house mates leave. The border collie's on a restricted diet. Maybe I'll leave a couple pieces for the natives. You gotta stick together when it's gray and rainy.

How cold is it?

2009-10-14T04:37:00.000-07:00

Something happened way up in the sky and it got cold. And it snowed. The snow is sticking around.

It's very early for all this. The border collie spotted splotches in the yard and dispatched me to investigate. I thought they were socks, but turns out to be dozens of miniature snowmobile suits. Must be the natives. Unlike the geese and ducks who taunt us on their way south, the natives are stuck here with us all winter. At least someone is prepared...

The World According to Hal

2009-10-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

This is all I knew about coyotes when I got the call from Hal, who offered up some expert advice on dealing with our latest nemesis -- moles. Little did I know there was more to the coyote than a series of unfortunate mishaps...

Hal met us at the bus -- yes, a Greyhound bus. The border collie brought a satchel of Economist magazines and jars of salted almonds. "You guys are the muscle; I'm the looks. And the brains." Hal shrugged him off and took me out in the field.

Well, I'll spare you the details. Not pretty. There was snarling and screaming and blood and knock knock jokes. I could stomach the blood, but not the knock knock jokes. Anyway, after taking in all of Hal's useful insights and tips, I realized his aggressive approach wasn't for us. Too messy.
So....We've deviced to take the advice of our Canadian friends and try some chewing gum. Only we're going for bubble gum. We're thinking the moles will get carried away, blow bubbles and trap themselves out of sight. That's as good as out of mind. We'd rather everybody go their separate ways.
Call us softies.

Hal had a different word.
I won't repeat it here.

Junket

2009-09-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it took a few days and a lot of -- er -- trial and error, but we think we've finished our mission as far as those mole holes go. I haven't seen any mass exodus or anything, but the border collie advises it takes a few days. Seems to me somebody tosses their business through your front window you're up and out in a hurry, but what do I know?
In any event, we got an email from a distant relative inviting us up north for a few days to talk about other ways to handle the problem...

...this is Hal. And he has some definite ideas on a Plan B. If nothing else, we'll bone up on our howling. We'll be out of pocket for a while...

Mole in one

2009-09-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

If we look a little stressed, we have good reason. Since the moles showed up -- yes, there's more than one -- we've been scrambling to research ways to see them on their way. The border collie has been surfing the IntraWeb -- you can tell he's surfing when he has that white stuff on his nose. Anyway, he's found some options but they've all got drawbacks...

You can buy smokebombs that you light and stuff down the holes. The border collie thinks the housmates wouldn't like bombs going off in the yard. I think it would look like a Rolling Stones concert. Jot it on the grocery list and we're on our way... But I was overrruled...

Another site recommends stuffing dryer sheets down the holes. Apparently, moles like their clothes wrinkled. The border collie says he thinks they don't like the smell. We think getting our paws on dryer sheets is too difficult. Tough enough around here making off with a cookie.
Some of the more radical sites suggest a touch of gasoline. Again, something about the smell. Seems like we may get rid of the moles and everything else on the property if things went wrong.

That leaves us with a fourth option that is more practical but very challenging. It has us up all hours practicing...

Turns out that another effective remedy for moles is something we have a lot of -- how do you put it? Oh yes, dog droppings. Depositing a few choice nuggets in one of their holes is an effective way to invite the moles to move on. No lugging dryer sheets, smokebombs or gas cans across the lawn.

But there's the challenge of accuracy. We have little experience in precision pooping. Close enough has been, well, good enough for us. That's why we're heading over to Como Golf Course this morning for an 18-hole practice round.

Fore!

Something wicked this way digs

2009-09-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

So where have I been? No marriages in my world. It's been all business and, well, the business ain't been good. Turns out I've been spending too much time pursuing the natives and their long-eared kin. A whole new nemesis has worked its way into my back 40. The border collie pointed it out a couple weeks back. "See those bumps all over the sideyard?" he asked, flipping the pages of Granta and popping a Saltine into his mouth. "Moles. Better study up, bud. It's showtime."

Well, I ain't much for book learnin'. My first cram session about moles didn't work out too well. Spent all day worrying we all had skin cancer. The border collie sighed and rummaged around on the IntraWeb and put me straight.

Turns out these are ugly varmits who can turn the countryside into swiss cheese. Oh sure, cartoons try to make anything cuddly and harmless. But these things dig and dig and pretty soon you've got an 18-hole golf course right up your backside. And they kill shrubs. Not good for my job security with the newfangled plants the house mates had installed last year.

My mission is simple. Turn these things into slippers or I get sacked. The pressure is on...

Not amused

2009-08-15T03:38:00.000-07:00

Must be slow time for news. Everybody around these parts chattering about the native who popped up in this self portrait taken in Canada. National Geographic, one of the border collie's favorite magazines, is featuring the photo. How cute. Cute? Take a good look. The native is flashing gang signs. And they aren't friendly gang signs. Wake up, people!

Hmmmmmm.....

2009-07-29T04:49:00.001-07:00

The border collie advises that squirrels lose all sense of judgment when pursuing food. We can identify with that. There has to be a way to use this to our advantage.

Brainstormin'

2009-07-20T04:42:00.000-07:00

So, the border collie has been on the injured reserve list again. Pinched nerve, we're told. Like Neil Young said, the powers that be left me here to do the thinking. How could I keep the natives in line by myself? The border collie is all woozy on meds, so all he could come up with was "try fly paper."

After trying to come up with something myself, that fly paper idea just kept popping back into my springer brain...

Maybe it's worth a shot...

Diverted

2009-07-11T05:58:00.001-07:00

The border collie was the first to spot it: a glazed hockey puck hanging from a string on the back porch. I went out to investigate. Oh, did it smell good. I couldn't stop staring at it. I drew closer to investigate and the sugary medallion rose ever so slightly out of reach. I heard giggling. I returned to the kitchen to fetch a stool...

...when I returned, the object of my affection had a bite taken out of it. I heard more giggling, this time muffled by chewing. I ducked back into the house to fetch the border collie to help assess the situation...

..."I think the scoundrels are having a little fun at our expense," the border collie said as the giggling turned to guffaws. "And I think it's time to plot our revenge."

Holiday hangover

2009-07-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

Ouch. Tough weekend in the basement. A lot of pop pop pop and fizzle sizzle thwarp and boom! I'm sleeping it off on the landing. Thunderstorms expected this week -- that means cloud water and booms and more time in the basement. The natives are chattering away like never before. And the border collie wonders why I prefer February.

Fizzle

2009-07-03T13:22:00.001-07:00

It's that time of year again. And I'm missing most of it. Quite unfortunate, too, since it's the border collie's birthday on top of Indepedence Day and all that.

The natives get in the swing of things, but you won't find me out there admiring the stars and stripes.

You see, for some reason many folks like to celebrate the holiday by setting off all sorts of munitions. Some glow, some sizzle, some soar and whistle and others just go pop pop pop pop pop...

So, for the next few days I'll be huddling in the basement. All of this is great fun until someone loses an eye....

Close Encounters of the Squirrel Kind

2009-06-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

Them Days

2009-06-28T05:31:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's been hot. Everything slowed down, sort of like in the South. Only without the sweet tea. The border collie prefers Gatorade and a lemon. We stayed indoors most of the week watching The Avengers on DVD. I've been keeping watch, but things were pretty quiet. Until this morning, that is. The humidity broke overnight and now it's Canada all over again. I suspected that the natives who've been splayed out on branches much of the week would be out running their traps...

...I was right. And I was right on their heels up the side of this tree. So close I could see their little hind leg muscles quivering. If I had only been wearing my spikes, I would be flossing my teeth with squirrel tail.

Sheriff is back in town

2009-06-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

You are up there somewhere, counting your blessings. I was on you and you know it. I saw the white of your rat-like body when I flipped you. I want you to know I let you make it to the tree. I had no choice because one of the housemates was telling me to back off.

I'm back, natives. My white teeth flashing. I'm back. It's going to hit 100 degrees today. I'm as hot as the weather and you'd better not stray far from the nearest tree.

Analog dog days

2009-06-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

The border collie wanted to catch the Twins-Cubs game, so we flicked on the TV. Nothing. Well, nothing besides a bunch of confetti. "What the???" the border collie mumbled as he futzed with the rabbit ears. Still nothing. "Check the aerial," he told me.

Well, we shouldn't have been surprised. One of the natives was doing a song and dance up there, chittering like a madman. "Get away from there or I'm coming up," I barked. Behind me, I heard snickering. I'm hearing more of that lately than I'd care to admit.

I wheeled around and caught an earful from Mitch, The Pizza Eating Native. "He's not the problem. You analog guys are outta luck," he mumbled, gnawing slice of pepperoni. "Time to start stealing cable."

Calm before the storm?

2009-06-07T05:38:00.001-07:00

It's been quiet. Weird quiet. Too quiet. The natives have been suspiciously absent. Maybe all me hard work has paid off. Maybe this will be a summer of peace.

The border collie shakes his head when I say this. Check out that crew from the power company, he advises as he flips through an Orvis catalogue. Something's up.

Beatin' the heat

2009-05-20T04:27:00.001-07:00

The border collie heard it first. "It's raining," he said. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. I thought he was in insulin shock. It's been in the 90s, way warmer than we're comfortable with especially this time of year. Sure enough, I heard it too. A whooshing sound. Water. I grabbed my leather flying cap and headed out to investigate. It didn't take long to figure out what was going on. Right next door was a long line of natives waiting to use the newly installed weather beater.

OK, I admit it. I ducked in the house and grabbed a shower cap and took my place in line.

Gesture

2009-05-18T04:49:00.001-07:00

We're back from two not-all-that-relaxing weeks off. The border collie got sick during our vacation and now we have to stick him with a needle twice a day.

The border collie won't admit he's sick. He calls it a plot by the white coats to extract more dead presidents from a couple of working dogs.

I'm worried. I've gotten used to the border collie and, well, chasing the natives is now completely up to me -- squirrel and rabbit aren't part of the approved diet the white coats developed for the border collie. I was pacing the floor when the doorbell rang over the weekend.

I opened the door to find this basket on the doorstep with a note to the border collie. We hope you get well soon, it read, signed, the natives.

On holiday

2009-05-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

The housemates are wandering around in Ireland for a while, so we're taking a holiday of our own for a bit. The natives say they'll behave. We'll see.

Desperate measures for desperate times

2009-04-29T05:13:00.000-07:00

Go ahead and laugh. That pizza cost $209 and there was so much of it the rabbits are making pizzaballs and lobbing them at the house. This will not stand. We're calling in a specialist, someone with the equipment and the love of sauce to get the job done.

Good news, bad news

2009-04-28T04:45:00.000-07:00

The folks up at John's Pizza Cafe gave us a call, since it was our credit card. The good news: they ordered one pizza. The bad news: It was the Totie Fields special. They deliver it in a U-Haul. And yes, that costs extra. The border collie says we have to have a sit down with the rabbits. He suggests very soon, while their pizza is still hot.

Houston, we have a problem

2009-04-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

The crisper has been stripped of its carrots and the mob now has the telephone number to John's Pizza Cafe.

Big bill, bigger problems

2009-04-24T04:46:00.001-07:00

So the border collie, alarmed by the sheer size of the bill from Connie's Creamy Cone, started doing some calculations. No way, he said, could squirrels alone have consumed the amount of ice cream claimed by Connie. Connie, though, was beyong reproach. She's big and grumpy. She owns a calculator. The border collie took a walk to ponder the problem and returned with the answer.

The natives have struck an alliance with the rabbits. They invited their newly found hopping allies over for malts. This is Crips hookin' up with Bloods stuff. "It's just not right," the border collie said, settling down to read Granta. I can't believe this took place right before my eyes.

This weekend, it turns out, they've got a little celebration planned. Ugh. Echo and the Bunnymen 'til all hours of the morning. Lettuce pizza. Drunk rabbits. Is there anything worse?

Sneaky

2009-04-22T04:50:00.000-07:00

Well, to make a long story short the city inspectors quickly disappeared after their arrival Tuesday. We were concerned. The border collie thought donuts were involved. But it turns out the natives weren't in a mood for red tape and opted for, well, duct tape.

We found one inspector affixed to the side of the neighbor's house and another mounted on a garage wall.

We cut them down -- that was no easy task, and the inspectors weren't in a mood to do any enforcing. So the border collie spread the word:

Free peanut buster parfaits down at the Creamy Cone! The natives brought their cousins and lined up. Now there's the not-so-small issue of how to pay for the tab. The natives have a lot of cousins.

All Quiet on the Western Front

2009-04-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

The weekend's conflict has resolved itself, thanks to a persistent and somewhat hungry mediator. The natives are woefully behind, however, and are storing up their potassium for the long work days ahead. This morning we heard a loud rumbling in the alley. The border collie took a minute from listening to RTE One documentaries on his iPod to check things out. "Guess they're more worried than I thought," he said.

We're not all that crazy about these ramped up construction plans. Too much racket, for one thing. But the border collie says he's got things under control. Seems that he made a call to city hall to report, um, a concern. There's more rumbling, this time from the street. City vehicles have pulled up. It appears our friends have overlooked one very important step in the process.

Standoff

2009-04-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

The border collie hopped the bus to Mystic Lake Casino this morning. Too noisy to think, he told me. I stayed behind and kept watch on the mounting tension around the yard.

The replacements showed up late last night. Unions folks call them scabs. They are a cast of mean characters -- look like they could chew you to bits. Anyway, they've set to working on the various projects hanging from area trees.

Needless to say, the locals don't like it one bit. They've been taunting the rats and the rats have been taunting right back. Glad I don't speak rat or squirrel. All I know is neither side is paying much attention to me. The border collie, meanwhile, gave me a call and said he's called in a mediator. Someone he thinks will either persuade the replacements to retreat, or.....

Standoff

2009-04-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

All this chanting has the border collie on edge. He says it's hard to read Shouts & Murmurs in the New Yorker with all this strike rhetoric flying around. So he met with the Hoffa squirrel, who said the chanting is only going to get worse. Sounds like the Boss Man squirrels are bringing in replacements. And these critters have no qualms about skittering past picket lines. "Might be a good time to hit the casino," the border collie advised.

Oh oh

2009-04-16T04:36:00.001-07:00

The border collie spotted them this morning. Pickets. Some big, burly boys carrying those signs. Something about using out-of-town squirrels to build nests. All construction has stopped.

No housing crisis here

2009-04-14T04:55:00.000-07:00

Man, the natives have ramped things up this year.

Toolbelts, straw and the pursuit of the American Dream

2009-04-13T04:59:00.000-07:00

Well, it's construction season once again. The crews are scampering to gather materials and the carpenter natives are hard at work.

The border collie and I are keeping an eye on things, making sure that this year's crop of temporary condos are in the trees and not out of bounds.

You never know where the natives will try to build their dream house. (This location, by the way, is in bounds.)

Hopped Up

2009-04-11T06:01:00.001-07:00

Every year, the same thing. The natives don ears and giggle like school girls.

What a dog sees when a dog sees a squirrel

2009-04-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

Drinkability

2009-03-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

With a half foot of snow coming, we don't see the latest plan by the enemy for a sneak attack by water as a big worry. But just in case, we've set some clever diversions around the perimeter. Drink up, boys!

One if by land, two if by....

2009-03-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

We're hearing that the enemy is planning an invasion by land. Only one answer to that...

LeRoy, meet Snoop-Dogg

2009-03-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

Nothing gets between Snoop and a fleeing squirrel, LeRoy W. Brown. Nothing.

Robo-antidote

2009-03-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Picked up some Web chatter that a Robo-squirrel was headed our way. I brought this up with the border collie, who was leafing through the Atlantic Monthly. "Really?" he asked, arching a brow. He called a buddy of his at the scrap yard and they're sending over something to help us out. Border collie will only say that Robo-squirrel will find it VERY attractive.

Spring break

2009-03-16T04:54:00.000-07:00

Highs are in the 50s, creating quite a ruckus in the backyard. Spring break is in full bloom.

Me and the border collie know it's best not to mess the the party goers, so we're just standing by to make sure nobody starts a fire.

Almost too easy

2009-03-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

The border collie could see I was down, so he took some time out from his As It Happens podcast and said we should have some fun. So he whipped up a sign and propped up the BBQ kettle with a stick. Didn't take long to lure the natives.

Should have seen this coming

2009-03-13T04:59:00.000-07:00

Looking back on it, the signs were there. Cal started out strong. Hit the treadmill for a brisk 45 minutes. Pumped iron, 3 sets of 15 reps. Checked the perimeter without even being asked.

Then he kept asking to check the perimeter. He'd hop off the treadmill in the basement and head upstairs. Except I wouldn't hear the door open or close for a while. A couple of times I didn't hear the door open or close at all. Finally, I heard the door open and not close. After a while, I checked things out.

No Cal. I walked around, puzzled. I asked the border collie, but he was busy reading The Economist. Then i realized something else was missing.....

....my snack accomplice had skiddadled as well. A couple of hours later I get a phone call. From the bus depot. Cal and his bride are off to Flint, Michigan to start a new life. Cal says he fell for her sleek lines, her multiple settings and her way around the kitchen. But Flint is the Rust Belt! I pleaded. Not a good place for you two! Too late. He's head over heels, or in his case, handles over spatula. And me? I'm out an assistant and my snacks.

No pain no gain

2009-03-12T04:53:00.001-07:00

When they give you lemons, whine. Then make lemonade. Then toss it out and have a soda. While we get the runaround from the robot shop bout the muffed order, we're moving on to some spring training for the new arrival. His name is Cal and he's taken to the treadmill, working on those lungs to get maximum pursuit range...

...we're also working on those pythons. He'll need a tad more brute strength...

...we'll need to do something about that goofy expression. It doesn't strike fear into the opposition, it induces snickers...

...because the natives are in training, too.

Bait and switch

2009-03-11T04:53:00.001-07:00

Well, we finally extracted the package from the bowels of UPS. Did you know UPS drivers wear shorts in winter too? No wonder they're crabby. Grow some fur. I scribbled a signature and then dived in, ripping away the cardboard. What emerged from the packing peanuts was, well, not what we were expecting. The model A101-B is, well, a different breed from the model B101-A, which is what the border collie assures me he ordered.

Now I'm not saying this model isn't going to work out, but it does lack the sleek lines of the Model B101-A. Not to mention its range of squirrel pursuit. The Model B101-A can chase down a squirrel from 30 feet. The Model A101-B can, well, make choo choo noises.

I'm considering a backup plan while we show Model A101-B around the yard. There's a pitbull a few blocks over who loves Monty Python's Holy Grail. He has the garb. He might be the way to go. Except he demands a lot of Spam. On soda crackers.

Might be worth paying up, though. I sense the natives are restless...

Why does god hate me?

2009-03-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

Delivering a package shouldn't be so hard. Especially when you've paid a premium rate. I don't remember being out of doorbell range, but come Monday afternoon I discovered yet another failed delivery attempt notice on the front door. I asked the border collie about it, but his head was wrapped in headphones and Stan Getz was playing pretty loud. I tried to call the phone number on the notice, but got a recording. They make one more attempt today. Meanwhile, we're supposed to get 3 inches of snow. The natives are decked out in winter camo, waiting...

Recovering from the weekend

2009-03-09T04:57:00.001-07:00

What a weekend in Hinckley! The slots were good to us, and the bordie collie won one milk bone jackpot after another...

...we saw a great comedian. Henny Doggman had us rolling over with laughter. "Take my cat... please!"

But now, it's back to the grind. Got a note from UPS that a package is waiting for me.

Getaway

2009-03-05T04:50:00.000-08:00

Amazon.com now just posts question marks under the track the package function. Where's my high-tech backup? Who knows? All this stress. The border collie noticed....

...and went online, tapped a few keys and said we were off to Hinckley for a weekend at the casino...

...two double beds! And enough tokens to get ourselves in trouble. The boarder collie says to let him do the talking, especially when we call room service. We'll be back Monday. In the meantime, we hired a temp to mind the yard. Found him downtown, wearing a sign that said, "Will Stand Still For Food."

Oops

2009-03-04T04:47:00.001-08:00

That Twister idea worked great -- until the bunnies showed up. Turns out, they flip over Twister. Can't get enough of it. So they moved in about 1:30. Rabbits don't do anything halfway and they show up in big numbers. They made one heckuva racket and they must have ordered 50 pizzas. Did they offer me a slice? No. And, now, shredded cardboard is everywhere in the alley.

Milton Bradley to the rescue...

2009-03-03T05:14:00.000-08:00

So, it was the border collie's idea. We heard all sorts of chattering this morning. Not enough, mind you, to coax the border collie away from his collection of Thin Man movies. But it was loud enough to inspire an idea: toss that old Twister game in the alley. Sure enough, they were putting the right front paw on blue and the back right paw on yellow before you knew it. And we have a peaceful day ahead of us...

Thanks, Cliff

2009-03-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

Amazon.com package tracker delivered some bad news: my high-tech partner, which was supposed to arrive this weekend, is somewhere in the Yukon. Should be in Winnipeg by Tuesday then on a truck to Grand Forks, a snowmobile to St. Cloud and then a Chevy Monza to St. Paul by the end of the week.

Finally...

2009-02-28T12:58:00.001-08:00

...found a good use for a squirrel. You can even store the key in its mouth.

Snow total: 3/4 of a squirrel

2009-02-27T05:42:00.001-08:00

That's about six inches to us civilized folks. Should slow 'em down for today.

It's snowing

2009-02-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

We're supposed to get up to one squirrel's worth of snow today -- that's about 8 inches. Checking my squirrel gauge outside, I see we've had about 3/4 of an inch so far.

Border collie knows

2009-02-26T04:46:00.000-08:00

Didn't take long for Marshall Dillon to catch his kerchief on the fence. He's also a canned dog food dog. Bad fit. Boscoe hit pause on the Jeeves and Wooster disc and tapped into Amazon to order the replacement. "Technology," he told me, "never rests." Arrives Saturday. Unless I chase the mailman away.

Mix up at the agency

2009-02-25T04:59:00.001-08:00

Remember Nigel? He was supposed to join me to help shore up the ranks with spring approaching and the squirrels on the move. Well, the agency calls me Tuesday and says Nigel can't make it. Something about having to fill in for some cowboy monkey at a trade show in Racine. I was livid. I read them the riot act. I read then two riot acts. They sent a substitute, below. His name is Marshall Dillon. Um, I think Festus is more like it.

Gift from Buster

2009-02-24T04:37:00.001-08:00

UPS brought it Monday. After I calmed down from my barking attack, I tore into it. It's from my brother Buster in Butte. A weiner/bun toaster. He says it works great with squirrel, too, as long as you set it to 11. Can't wait to try it. I can say it's a no go with Pop Tarts. That's Buster below. He ain't the sharpest claw on the paw.

Trudging thru the snow

2009-02-22T05:38:00.001-08:00

You've heard of the dog days of summer. These are the squirrel days of winter. New snow favors squirrels. We got new snow this weekend. I've got my snowshoes at the ready, but the going is tough out there for anything that doesn't jump from tree to tree. Wish me luck.

In yer face, Little Red!

2009-02-22T05:07:00.000-08:00

Duke gave me this award. He's now a member of my pack. Thanks, Duke! I'm batting this over to Kesey.

Back @ it

2009-02-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

Editor's note: Found in camera abandoned by fleeing squirrel this morning.

Big gun on Day 2

2009-02-20T04:42:00.000-08:00

Boscoe's report: "Well, this is too easy. I have five discs of Jeeves & Wooster to watch, so I don't have time to stare at vermin skitter across the yard. So I calmly explain how everybody in the neighborhood is throwing out jars of peanut butter -- you know, that salmonella scare. Needless to say, the alley is alive with the sound of scavaging. And the yard is quiet. And I'm on disc 3. Riley T. is back Friday."

Watchin' soaps

2009-02-19T04:42:00.001-08:00

I'm back but loopy. Still novacained from the neck up. Turns out I must have cracked a molar on squirrel haunches, and they yanked it out with a needle nose pliers. Did you know the same person who tends to anal glands also handles the dentistry at my vet shop? Jack of all parts.

Big gun

2009-02-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

Trouble. Guest host decided to hibernate, so we called in the Big Gun. Boscoe T. Smudge doesn't like to waste his time on something as trivial as squirrel patrol, but he agreed to have at it today.

His report: "It's recycling day in the neighborhood, so I just told the little annoyances that some good stuff could be unearthed in those bins. I once speared a bagel in one bin and cream cheese in another. I still have the snapshots. That made for a lot of rattling in the plastic today, but I paid no mind."

Indeed, the wise one curled up and calmly rode the Zs.

Guest host report

2009-02-18T04:35:00.001-08:00

Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Conditions: Winter-like
Squirrels observed: 201
Squirrels pursued: 0
Squirrels momentarily perched on head: 1
Snacks: 2 Hostess Ding Dongs, 1 Moon pie, 1 small pack Twizzlers (black, can't stand red), 1 root beer (flat.)
Security concerns: No access to cable TV
Misc. observations: Garage needs painting.

Guest host

2009-02-17T06:37:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be out for a couple of days for a medical procedure. No, not that one. That happened a long time ago. I've been showing my guest host around a bit. Don't let his stoic nature fool you. He's a ball of fire who won't stand for any squirrel funny business. See you in a couple...

The pack

2009-02-16T04:45:00.000-08:00

Since I've become a target of cybertaunts, I'm calling in reinforcements. Squirrels may have nests, but dogs have packs. They extend far and wide. By Wednesday, my pack buddy Nigel will be on hand to help me patrol the perimeter. He May smell like a rendering plant, but he can shoot the smirk off a squirrel's face at 50 paces.

Hmmmm....

2009-02-15T06:01:00.001-08:00

Click on graphic to read. It asks whether squirrels are on the decline. Fools! They are hiding, plotting and readying to attack! I see there's two more weeks left in the Minnesota squirrel hunting season. Around my place, it's squirrel hunting season 365 days a year, 24 hours a day.

Spy squirrel

2009-02-12T04:33:00.000-08:00

Got a shot of this one lurking near the neighbor's bird bath. No, I don't think it's funny.

Setting a trap

2009-02-09T04:42:00.001-08:00

Back at it this morning despite a forecast of rain. This week, I'll be setting traps using a most lethal substance: peanut butter. Don't tell the FDA.

Tougher than it looks....

2009-02-06T10:21:00.001-08:00

Surveillance is up and running. Thought I had spotted four squirrel platoons. (See above.) Then I realized one of the dots was a bird bath. Another was a shovel. The third was a tree. The fourth was, well, me. Good thing I didn't attack. That's it for today. Wrestling's on.

Partnership

2009-02-06T04:54:00.001-08:00

I need better surveillance equipment and Earl a few doors down needs HDTV. I talked to his dog, Perch, who set it all up. I am now tracking the movements of three squirrel platoons in the neighborhood. He's getting professional wrestling -- in high-def. If only government worked this swell.

Plan B

2009-02-02T04:46:00.000-08:00

No guard tower, no razor wire, no security equipment. I'm down to a half a roll of duct tape. Notice I didn't call it duck tape. Border collie influence. Anyway, this is all I have to keep away the invading force. Sigh.

What??!?!!

2009-02-01T05:36:00.001-08:00

What the... my Home Depot closed. Is there something going on? My bold homeland security plans are on hold.

Goin' shoppin'

2009-01-31T05:22:00.000-08:00

I can take a hint. Something's up. The enemy is getting ready to strike. We need to prepare. I'm off the Home Depot...

Dr. Zhivago comes to my turf

2009-01-30T05:03:00.000-08:00

Is it Julie Christie, or just another clever squirrel spy? I don't see Omar Sharif cruising around the neighborhood, so I'm guessing the latter. Needless to say, I'm watching the front.

Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

2009-01-29T04:52:00.001-08:00

Caught this intruder trying to work his weaselly way into the BBQ grill. Leveled my 20 gauge on him and ordered him to reach for the sky. He escaped, though, when I was distracted by what I thought was the sound of the treat jar. Next time.

Great squirrel hunters, part 2.

2009-01-27T04:58:00.000-08:00

Blagojevich, or Blags for short, induces laughter at first sight. Then he starts the mayhem. Approach with caution and a straight face.

Great squirrel hunters, part 1.

2009-01-26T06:03:00.000-08:00

Monte. Could grab three squirrels in a single sweep. Local squirrels called him Jaws.

Yum....

2009-01-23T05:02:00.001-08:00

Chicken Surprise

~ 2 squirrels, deboned and cut into chunks
~ 1 can (12oz) cream of mushroom soup
~ 1 can (12oz) cream of chicken soup
~ 1/2 can water
~ 2 - 3 carrots, sliced into 1/4" slices
~ 2 - 3 slices bacon, cut into 1/2" pieces
~ 2 cups fresh or frozen green beans
~ 8oz fresh mushrooms, sliced if desired
~ 1/4 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
~ salt, garlic powder, parsley, curry, black and cayenne pepper to taste

Mix all the ingredients in a crock-pot.

Cook on low for 4 hours or until the carrots are soft.

Serve and enjoy.

Faster than a speeding squirrel?

2009-01-19T15:36:00.001-08:00

Not anymore.

This keeps me up at night

2009-01-17T06:12:00.001-08:00

He knows there's floss in the house and he wants it. What am I to do? Nobody believes me when I tell them this stuff.

I have no defense against this

2009-01-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

I'm a simple country springer-lab-bluetick-coonhound mix, Jim.

Sneaky....

2009-01-15T04:49:00.000-08:00

Cute? No. Cunning? Yes. This spy has found a perfect vantage point from which to plan the assault. I dial 911. No response.

Suspicious....

2009-01-14T04:53:00.001-08:00

This guy has been snapping pictures all week, scribbling notes in a reporter's notebook. Something's up and I'm not happy about it. Will anyone listen to me? Too tired to answer.

Don't likeitlikethat....

2009-01-13T04:52:00.000-08:00

Coming soon, this sign:
Riley T. Coyote bans guns on these premises.

A dog can dream, you know....

2009-01-10T16:53:00.000-08:00

Trouble brewing

2009-01-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

Reports of a large army of squirrels preparing to attack from the south. They are marching as we speak. Yet, when I raise this threat nooooobody listens to me. I cannot fend off an army by myself.

Looming over me...

2009-01-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

The first active nest to tower over my territory. Tails are flicked at me as they come and go. I spot a piece of paper taped on one side. Border collie says it's a building permit. They plan an addition. I am haunted.