Desperate measures for desperate times

Go ahead and laugh. That pizza cost $209 and there was so much of it the rabbits are making pizzaballs and lobbing them at the house. This will not stand. We're calling in a specialist, someone with the equipment and the love of sauce to get the job done.

Good news, bad news

The folks up at John's Pizza Cafe gave us a call, since it was our credit card. The good news: they ordered one pizza. The bad news: It was the Totie Fields special. They deliver it in a U-Haul. And yes, that costs extra. The border collie says we have to have a sit down with the rabbits. He suggests very soon, while their pizza is still hot.

Houston, we have a problem

The crisper has been stripped of its carrots and the mob now has the telephone number to John's Pizza Cafe.

Big bill, bigger problems

So the border collie, alarmed by the sheer size of the bill from Connie's Creamy Cone, started doing some calculations. No way, he said, could squirrels alone have consumed the amount of ice cream claimed by Connie. Connie, though, was beyong reproach. She's big and grumpy. She owns a calculator. The border collie took a walk to ponder the problem and returned with the answer.

The natives have struck an alliance with the rabbits. They invited their newly found hopping allies over for malts. This is Crips hookin' up with Bloods stuff. "It's just not right," the border collie said, settling down to read Granta. I can't believe this took place right before my eyes.

This weekend, it turns out, they've got a little celebration planned. Ugh. Echo and the Bunnymen 'til all hours of the morning. Lettuce pizza. Drunk rabbits. Is there anything worse?

Sneaky

Well, to make a long story short the city inspectors quickly disappeared after their arrival Tuesday. We were concerned. The border collie thought donuts were involved. But it turns out the natives weren't in a mood for red tape and opted for, well, duct tape.

We found one inspector affixed to the side of the neighbor's house and another mounted on a garage wall.

We cut them down -- that was no easy task, and the inspectors weren't in a mood to do any enforcing. So the border collie spread the word:

Free peanut buster parfaits down at the Creamy Cone! The natives brought their cousins and lined up. Now there's the not-so-small issue of how to pay for the tab. The natives have a lot of cousins.

All Quiet on the Western Front

The weekend's conflict has resolved itself, thanks to a persistent and somewhat hungry mediator. The natives are woefully behind, however, and are storing up their potassium for the long work days ahead. This morning we heard a loud rumbling in the alley. The border collie took a minute from listening to RTE One documentaries on his iPod to check things out. "Guess they're more worried than I thought," he said.

We're not all that crazy about these ramped up construction plans. Too much racket, for one thing. But the border collie says he's got things under control. Seems that he made a call to city hall to report, um, a concern. There's more rumbling, this time from the street. City vehicles have pulled up. It appears our friends have overlooked one very important step in the process.

Standoff

The border collie hopped the bus to Mystic Lake Casino this morning. Too noisy to think, he told me. I stayed behind and kept watch on the mounting tension around the yard.

The replacements showed up late last night. Unions folks call them scabs. They are a cast of mean characters -- look like they could chew you to bits. Anyway, they've set to working on the various projects hanging from area trees.

Needless to say, the locals don't like it one bit. They've been taunting the rats and the rats have been taunting right back. Glad I don't speak rat or squirrel. All I know is neither side is paying much attention to me. The border collie, meanwhile, gave me a call and said he's called in a mediator. Someone he thinks will either persuade the replacements to retreat, or.....

Standoff

All this chanting has the border collie on edge. He says it's hard to read Shouts & Murmurs in the New Yorker with all this strike rhetoric flying around. So he met with the Hoffa squirrel, who said the chanting is only going to get worse. Sounds like the Boss Man squirrels are bringing in replacements. And these critters have no qualms about skittering past picket lines. "Might be a good time to hit the casino," the border collie advised.

Oh oh

The border collie spotted them this morning. Pickets. Some big, burly boys carrying those signs. Something about using out-of-town squirrels to build nests. All construction has stopped.

No housing crisis here

Man, the natives have ramped things up this year.

Toolbelts, straw and the pursuit of the American Dream

Well, it's construction season once again. The crews are scampering to gather materials and the carpenter natives are hard at work.

The border collie and I are keeping an eye on things, making sure that this year's crop of temporary condos are in the trees and not out of bounds.

You never know where the natives will try to build their dream house. (This location, by the way, is in bounds.)

Hopped Up

Every year, the same thing. The natives don ears and giggle like school girls.

What a dog sees when a dog sees a squirrel