Finally...

...found a good use for a squirrel. You can even store the key in its mouth.

Snow total: 3/4 of a squirrel

That's about six inches to us civilized folks. Should slow 'em down for today.

It's snowing

We're supposed to get up to one squirrel's worth of snow today -- that's about 8 inches. Checking my squirrel gauge outside, I see we've had about 3/4 of an inch so far.

Border collie knows

Didn't take long for Marshall Dillon to catch his kerchief on the fence. He's also a canned dog food dog. Bad fit. Boscoe hit pause on the Jeeves and Wooster disc and tapped into Amazon to order the replacement. "Technology," he told me, "never rests." Arrives Saturday. Unless I chase the mailman away.

Mix up at the agency

Remember Nigel? He was supposed to join me to help shore up the ranks with spring approaching and the squirrels on the move. Well, the agency calls me Tuesday and says Nigel can't make it. Something about having to fill in for some cowboy monkey at a trade show in Racine. I was livid. I read them the riot act. I read then two riot acts. They sent a substitute, below. His name is Marshall Dillon. Um, I think Festus is more like it.

Gift from Buster

UPS brought it Monday. After I calmed down from my barking attack, I tore into it. It's from my brother Buster in Butte. A weiner/bun toaster. He says it works great with squirrel, too, as long as you set it to 11. Can't wait to try it. I can say it's a no go with Pop Tarts. That's Buster below. He ain't the sharpest claw on the paw.

Trudging thru the snow

You've heard of the dog days of summer. These are the squirrel days of winter. New snow favors squirrels. We got new snow this weekend. I've got my snowshoes at the ready, but the going is tough out there for anything that doesn't jump from tree to tree. Wish me luck.

In yer face, Little Red!

Duke gave me this award. He's now a member of my pack. Thanks, Duke! I'm batting this over to Kesey.

Back @ it

Editor's note: Found in camera abandoned by fleeing squirrel this morning.

Big gun on Day 2

Boscoe's report: "Well, this is too easy. I have five discs of Jeeves & Wooster to watch, so I don't have time to stare at vermin skitter across the yard. So I calmly explain how everybody in the neighborhood is throwing out jars of peanut butter -- you know, that salmonella scare. Needless to say, the alley is alive with the sound of scavaging. And the yard is quiet. And I'm on disc 3. Riley T. is back Friday."

Watchin' soaps

I'm back but loopy. Still novacained from the neck up. Turns out I must have cracked a molar on squirrel haunches, and they yanked it out with a needle nose pliers. Did you know the same person who tends to anal glands also handles the dentistry at my vet shop? Jack of all parts.

Big gun

Trouble. Guest host decided to hibernate, so we called in the Big Gun. Boscoe T. Smudge doesn't like to waste his time on something as trivial as squirrel patrol, but he agreed to have at it today.

His report: "It's recycling day in the neighborhood, so I just told the little annoyances that some good stuff could be unearthed in those bins. I once speared a bagel in one bin and cream cheese in another. I still have the snapshots. That made for a lot of rattling in the plastic today, but I paid no mind."

Indeed, the wise one curled up and calmly rode the Zs.

Guest host report

Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Conditions: Winter-like
Squirrels observed: 201
Squirrels pursued: 0
Squirrels momentarily perched on head: 1
Snacks: 2 Hostess Ding Dongs, 1 Moon pie, 1 small pack Twizzlers (black, can't stand red), 1 root beer (flat.)
Security concerns: No access to cable TV
Misc. observations: Garage needs painting.

Guest host

I'm going to be out for a couple of days for a medical procedure. No, not that one. That happened a long time ago. I've been showing my guest host around a bit. Don't let his stoic nature fool you. He's a ball of fire who won't stand for any squirrel funny business. See you in a couple...

The pack

Since I've become a target of cybertaunts, I'm calling in reinforcements. Squirrels may have nests, but dogs have packs. They extend far and wide. By Wednesday, my pack buddy Nigel will be on hand to help me patrol the perimeter. He May smell like a rendering plant, but he can shoot the smirk off a squirrel's face at 50 paces.

Hmmmm....

Click on graphic to read. It asks whether squirrels are on the decline. Fools! They are hiding, plotting and readying to attack! I see there's two more weeks left in the Minnesota squirrel hunting season. Around my place, it's squirrel hunting season 365 days a year, 24 hours a day.

Spy squirrel

Got a shot of this one lurking near the neighbor's bird bath. No, I don't think it's funny.

Setting a trap

Back at it this morning despite a forecast of rain. This week, I'll be setting traps using a most lethal substance: peanut butter. Don't tell the FDA.

Tougher than it looks....

Surveillance is up and running. Thought I had spotted four squirrel platoons. (See above.) Then I realized one of the dots was a bird bath. Another was a shovel. The third was a tree. The fourth was, well, me. Good thing I didn't attack. That's it for today. Wrestling's on.

Partnership

I need better surveillance equipment and Earl a few doors down needs HDTV. I talked to his dog, Perch, who set it all up. I am now tracking the movements of three squirrel platoons in the neighborhood. He's getting professional wrestling -- in high-def. If only government worked this swell.

Plan B

No guard tower, no razor wire, no security equipment. I'm down to a half a roll of duct tape. Notice I didn't call it duck tape. Border collie influence. Anyway, this is all I have to keep away the invading force. Sigh.

What??!?!!

What the... my Home Depot closed. Is there something going on? My bold homeland security plans are on hold.