Beatin' the heat

The border collie heard it first. "It's raining," he said. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. I thought he was in insulin shock. It's been in the 90s, way warmer than we're comfortable with especially this time of year. Sure enough, I heard it too. A whooshing sound. Water. I grabbed my leather flying cap and headed out to investigate. It didn't take long to figure out what was going on. Right next door was a long line of natives waiting to use the newly installed weather beater.


OK, I admit it. I ducked in the house and grabbed a shower cap and took my place in line.

Gesture

We're back from two not-all-that-relaxing weeks off. The border collie got sick during our vacation and now we have to stick him with a needle twice a day.


The border collie won't admit he's sick. He calls it a plot by the white coats to extract more dead presidents from a couple of working dogs.


I'm worried. I've gotten used to the border collie and, well, chasing the natives is now completely up to me -- squirrel and rabbit aren't part of the approved diet the white coats developed for the border collie. I was pacing the floor when the doorbell rang over the weekend.


I opened the door to find this basket on the doorstep with a note to the border collie. We hope you get well soon, it read, signed, the natives.

On holiday

The housemates are wandering around in Ireland for a while, so we're taking a holiday of our own for a bit. The natives say they'll behave. We'll see.

Desperate measures for desperate times

Go ahead and laugh. That pizza cost $209 and there was so much of it the rabbits are making pizzaballs and lobbing them at the house. This will not stand. We're calling in a specialist, someone with the equipment and the love of sauce to get the job done.

Good news, bad news

The folks up at John's Pizza Cafe gave us a call, since it was our credit card. The good news: they ordered one pizza. The bad news: It was the Totie Fields special. They deliver it in a U-Haul. And yes, that costs extra. The border collie says we have to have a sit down with the rabbits. He suggests very soon, while their pizza is still hot.

Houston, we have a problem

The crisper has been stripped of its carrots and the mob now has the telephone number to John's Pizza Cafe.

Big bill, bigger problems

So the border collie, alarmed by the sheer size of the bill from Connie's Creamy Cone, started doing some calculations. No way, he said, could squirrels alone have consumed the amount of ice cream claimed by Connie. Connie, though, was beyong reproach. She's big and grumpy. She owns a calculator. The border collie took a walk to ponder the problem and returned with the answer.

The natives have struck an alliance with the rabbits. They invited their newly found hopping allies over for malts. This is Crips hookin' up with Bloods stuff. "It's just not right," the border collie said, settling down to read Granta. I can't believe this took place right before my eyes.

This weekend, it turns out, they've got a little celebration planned. Ugh. Echo and the Bunnymen 'til all hours of the morning. Lettuce pizza. Drunk rabbits. Is there anything worse?