Monday, March 30, 2009


With a half foot of snow coming, we don't see the latest plan by the enemy for a sneak attack by water as a big worry. But just in case, we've set some clever diversions around the perimeter. Drink up, boys!

Friday, March 27, 2009

One if by land, two if by....

We're hearing that the enemy is planning an invasion by land. Only one answer to that...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

LeRoy, meet Snoop-Dogg

Nothing gets between Snoop and a fleeing squirrel, LeRoy W. Brown. Nothing.

Friday, March 20, 2009


Picked up some Web chatter that a Robo-squirrel was headed our way. I brought this up with the border collie, who was leafing through the Atlantic Monthly. "Really?" he asked, arching a brow. He called a buddy of his at the scrap yard and they're sending over something to help us out. Border collie will only say that Robo-squirrel will find it VERY attractive.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Spring break

Highs are in the 50s, creating quite a ruckus in the backyard. Spring break is in full bloom.

Me and the border collie know it's best not to mess the the party goers, so we're just standing by to make sure nobody starts a fire.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Almost too easy

The border collie could see I was down, so he took some time out from his As It Happens podcast and said we should have some fun. So he whipped up a sign and propped up the BBQ kettle with a stick. Didn't take long to lure the natives.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Should have seen this coming

Looking back on it, the signs were there. Cal started out strong. Hit the treadmill for a brisk 45 minutes. Pumped iron, 3 sets of 15 reps. Checked the perimeter without even being asked.

Then he kept asking to check the perimeter. He'd hop off the treadmill in the basement and head upstairs. Except I wouldn't hear the door open or close for a while. A couple of times I didn't hear the door open or close at all. Finally, I heard the door open and not close. After a while, I checked things out.

No Cal. I walked around, puzzled. I asked the border collie, but he was busy reading The Economist. Then i realized something else was missing..... snack accomplice had skiddadled as well. A couple of hours later I get a phone call. From the bus depot. Cal and his bride are off to Flint, Michigan to start a new life. Cal says he fell for her sleek lines, her multiple settings and her way around the kitchen. But Flint is the Rust Belt! I pleaded. Not a good place for you two! Too late. He's head over heels, or in his case, handles over spatula. And me? I'm out an assistant and my snacks.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

No pain no gain

When they give you lemons, whine. Then make lemonade. Then toss it out and have a soda. While we get the runaround from the robot shop bout the muffed order, we're moving on to some spring training for the new arrival. His name is Cal and he's taken to the treadmill, working on those lungs to get maximum pursuit range...

...we're also working on those pythons. He'll need a tad more brute strength...

...we'll need to do something about that goofy expression. It doesn't strike fear into the opposition, it induces snickers...

...because the natives are in training, too.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Bait and switch

Well, we finally extracted the package from the bowels of UPS. Did you know UPS drivers wear shorts in winter too? No wonder they're crabby. Grow some fur. I scribbled a signature and then dived in, ripping away the cardboard. What emerged from the packing peanuts was, well, not what we were expecting. The model A101-B is, well, a different breed from the model B101-A, which is what the border collie assures me he ordered.

Now I'm not saying this model isn't going to work out, but it does lack the sleek lines of the Model B101-A. Not to mention its range of squirrel pursuit. The Model B101-A can chase down a squirrel from 30 feet. The Model A101-B can, well, make choo choo noises.

I'm considering a backup plan while we show Model A101-B around the yard. There's a pitbull a few blocks over who loves Monty Python's Holy Grail. He has the garb. He might be the way to go. Except he demands a lot of Spam. On soda crackers.

Might be worth paying up, though. I sense the natives are restless...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why does god hate me?

Delivering a package shouldn't be so hard. Especially when you've paid a premium rate. I don't remember being out of doorbell range, but come Monday afternoon I discovered yet another failed delivery attempt notice on the front door. I asked the border collie about it, but his head was wrapped in headphones and Stan Getz was playing pretty loud. I tried to call the phone number on the notice, but got a recording. They make one more attempt today. Meanwhile, we're supposed to get 3 inches of snow. The natives are decked out in winter camo, waiting...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Recovering from the weekend

What a weekend in Hinckley! The slots were good to us, and the bordie collie won one milk bone jackpot after another...

...we saw a great comedian. Henny Doggman had us rolling over with laughter. "Take my cat... please!"

But now, it's back to the grind. Got a note from UPS that a package is waiting for me.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Getaway now just posts question marks under the track the package function. Where's my high-tech backup? Who knows? All this stress. The border collie noticed....

...and went online, tapped a few keys and said we were off to Hinckley for a weekend at the casino...

...two double beds! And enough tokens to get ourselves in trouble. The boarder collie says to let him do the talking, especially when we call room service. We'll be back Monday. In the meantime, we hired a temp to mind the yard. Found him downtown, wearing a sign that said, "Will Stand Still For Food."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


That Twister idea worked great -- until the bunnies showed up. Turns out, they flip over Twister. Can't get enough of it. So they moved in about 1:30. Rabbits don't do anything halfway and they show up in big numbers. They made one heckuva racket and they must have ordered 50 pizzas. Did they offer me a slice? No. And, now, shredded cardboard is everywhere in the alley.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Milton Bradley to the rescue...

So, it was the border collie's idea. We heard all sorts of chattering this morning. Not enough, mind you, to coax the border collie away from his collection of Thin Man movies. But it was loud enough to inspire an idea: toss that old Twister game in the alley. Sure enough, they were putting the right front paw on blue and the back right paw on yellow before you knew it. And we have a peaceful day ahead of us...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Thanks, Cliff package tracker delivered some bad news: my high-tech partner, which was supposed to arrive this weekend, is somewhere in the Yukon. Should be in Winnipeg by Tuesday then on a truck to Grand Forks, a snowmobile to St. Cloud and then a Chevy Monza to St. Paul by the end of the week.